Sponges

Not that I'm old, I'm clearly younger then I feel I am somedays, and there's numerous times when I can't remember what color undies I wore the day before.. Not because I'm losing it or anything but there's so many things that go on in this house (my life) that everything gets shuffled away..
 The earliest memory I can recall is being at my grandparents house, my mother being young (18) when she had me, she lived at home so I was surrounded by my aunts, mother, and grandparents. I remember not seeing my grandpa much but he worked at GM and had a pretty decent job, so was gone a lot on business or hunting, but there's always that one thing that sticks in my brain, every Sunday he was always there cooking breakfast for everyone, sometimes I'd wake up early and I would see his car pulling into the driveway and I'd run to the door and open it for him to come in. Many times I remember visiting him out in the backyard, they had a camping trailer they parked out there that my aunts would hang out in and for sometime my grandpa was always out there going through his hunting stuff or working on stuff from work. It wasn't until I was much older that I finally realized that (with other info) my grandparents were actually going through a divorce and he did all these things for me, show me some normalacy, that grandpa will always be there. They hid a broken relationship for a very long time, not only for their daughters, but for their granddaughter! I often thought that at one time (after hearing family gossip) that I, mainly, was the cause for their marriage diminishing. That sounds pretty crazy but when you think about it my mom was young when she got pregnant with me, these days pregnant at 17 is pretty much a normal thing, but back then it was very much frowned on and my grandma hit the roof, wanted to send my mom away until she had me, then have her give me up for adoption, and my grandfather put an end to it and gave my mother the choice of what she wanted to do. I heard that story before and I wasn't too sure the validity of it until my grandmother got sick at the beginning of the year and all she asked for was me. The comment that was made was, "it's strange how someone years ago didn't want you to even be born into this family, but is the one who calls for you and only you in her condition". Made me think, well damn, was I really the cause of the divorce? I knew that there was other circumstances leading up to that divorce it really made me have that thought.
I've often heard things throughout my years that have stuck in my head, words that can be forgiven, sometimes put far away in a memory, but never forgotten.
I listen to my kids when they are like "do you remember this" and it's such an amazement what they actually remember! My middle child is always saying things like "do you remember when we...." and it baffles me because I've actually tucked that piece of info away and would never in a million years think that he actually remembered because he was so little. I know one of his greatest memories is going to be our trip this past summer, he speaks about it often, and out of no where he will describe something he seen, while on vacation, and be right on with it! He started preschool this year and he loves it, but there are times that he comes home and things can be a little chaotic and in the midst of all 3 of them being yelled at to settle down, when I say yell, I mean raising my voice above their loudness which can be super loud. One day the crazy before dinner madness was going on and we all were playing around and somehow the little one got pushed down by the two of them playing and she started crying cuz she bumped her head. He started crying and then said "I'm a dumb stupid idiot". My jaw dropped, never in a million years would I think that my son would say something like that and where on earth did he get those words from? Don't get me wrong there was a time when he picked up a few foul words and would say them like it was funny, but those words, where on earth did that come from? So I had to talk with him and remind him what a good boy he was and how accidents happens you just have to be careful, but I wasn't mad and he wasn't in trouble, but where on earth did you hear you were a stupid dumb idiot? Come to find out a boy he goes to school with was calling him that because he didn't what something was while they were off playing at playtime. I addressed it with the teacher the next day and she had apologized for the child saying that she has been working on this kids words cuz some of the stuff he says is pretty harsh towards the kids and it's not just my son that this has happened to and it seems like this kind of talk goes on in this child's home. Thank you to that dear patent who likes to talk to their 4 year old like that..
We don't ever watch sponge bob in our house, very rare you see it on any of the televisions, but whether or not it's the purpose of the name "sponge bob" or not (probably not entirely since he still hasn't passed his boating course in all the years he has been on lol) but kids are like sponges, they soak in every bit of something or even others "nothings" and they embed it in their brain and what they learn from it grows and grows, and what they learn stays with them for the longest time even if that being learned is tucked far away for future references. I love that my younger ones will have great memories of what we have done, what I have taught them, and how I'm a big part of their everything! I tend to be down on myself about my oldest, my first born, the spitting image of ME.. her memories are very few of what her and I have done, or me being there when there was something great.. I went back to work after I had her, then had to work a lot picking up extra shifts because her father refused to contribute to anything, it was more important to spend a paycheck in a bar Friday through Sunday and so on. I lost my job because he wouldn't make it home from being out all night and me being late and then left, just disappeared for months with no word of him, not even a call to see how his baby was, let me tell you that was the worst Christmas ever, she was only a baby still, but  I had no money for gifts but I made the best of it and did odd jobs for my family just so there would be some presents under the tree for her.. She has memories good ones and over the years I've done plenty to make an impact on her and show her love, but her memories tend to be all the fun stuff she has done with other family members cuz mommy was at work or couldn't get time off to go on vacation and it hurts somedays, really truly hurts. She had bad memories too, those that I try to help her remember but she brings them up at the oddest moments like, you remember when daddy threw that plate at your face or do you remember when I called you at work cuz I was hungry and daddy wouldn't get up so I could eat? There's many more of those that are embedded in her head and I wish I could just erase them and I haven't been with her dad since she was 3 and she is now 12.. Sponges, I tell you, they are a sponge, soaking up everything and I'm trying to give my kids the best memories, family memories so it sticks

Frustrations

I love staying home with the kids, love not having them go to daycare, and most of all I love that when they are sick it's me taking care of them and no one else!! As much as I love it there are times that I absolutely hate it, maybe I'll say dislike, oh who am I kidding there are just those days that I'm ready to pull my hair out and run for the highway. 

Today was just one of them days.. It's only for a couple of hours that the two younger ones get along and then my adorable 2 year old becomes the stereotyped "sour patch kid" she's so sweet and playful and she will dance around and sing all by herself and the next minute she's smacking her brother in the face for no reason or because he just so happens to be playing with something (like he had been all morning) and she screams that blood curdling scream cuz not only did she want it but she took it and bludgeoned him for it. So then I have a 2 year old screaming and running around the house so her brother doesn't take the toy back and I have the 4 year old screaming and chasing his sister cuz he wants his toy back. It's a win lose situation because they keep going at it no matter the outcome, and lord forbid you try and give an alternate activity because it then just turns into a fight, "no you can't do that" or "no that's mine". They hit, I'm always reprimanding my boy and trying to embed it in his head that "you don't hit girls, never ever hit girls" and of course it gets fired back at me that "girls should never ever hit boys" , he isn't so bad with the hitting and like any mom, sometimes I'm just like well after that last smack right to his forehead you kind of deserved the push, but I never say it out loud. I don't remember these issues with my oldest probably because she was the only child for the longest time, so that sibling rivalry never existed except with her cousins but at the end of the play date or family get together it was done and over with and certainly not an all day thing.. I don't spank my kids, sure a little tap on the butt is fine but what does a spanking prove? Time out works but it's not like they sit in time out and then they are forgiven for what they have done, they actually have to tell me the reason why they went into time out and what they can do to prevent the same thing from happening etc, works pretty good for the 4 year old but the 2 year old is still learning. The worst is having to yell all day over and over about the same thing constantly, I've come to the conclusion that it only makes me sound like a batt shit crazy woman who needs Xanax and glass of wine, so instead of yelling I just take things away lately, even have unplugged the television and let them suffer with no Disney channel, NOTHING, and to be quite honest the lovely sound of peace and silence while they play is amazing, no distractions like change the channel to something else or no fighting because one wants to watch Mickey and the other doc mcstuffins. And that's not the end of the craziness that occurs.. Throw in a pre-teen who likes to spend most of her time in her room bumping and thumping her music like she's in a night club and top that off with 2 screaming toddlers, it's a headache just waiting to appear out our nowhere lol! 

However, being a stay at home mom just isn't keeping your kids entertained, all that housework becomes a huge stress on your shoulders, laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, spring cleaning, winter prep, shoveling, lawn mowing, etc., etc., etc... It's a never ending list of stuff that keeps piling on your daily to do list, somedays there's more crap then ever to get through, not because it's too hard, but because I chose to put something off so I could spend those extra seconds, minutes, or hours playing with my kids, or learning a new dance move from my pre-teen.. Who in ther right mind wants to "twerk", "drop it like its hot", or "Harlem Shake" at the age of 36 when my "going out to the club" days are so over (which I would really never want them back) and bringing sexy back means being able to actually do a full leg shaving maybe twice a month (lol I'm sure it's more than that), ME, I do, I do! 

Which my rambling brings me to this, Friday I was gone for most of the day, Saturday brought lounging around enjoying a few cups of coffee, throwing in a load of laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, I mean a clean house but back load on laundry, and then we decided to have the oldest watch the youngest and we go out to dinner, something we hardly ever do, we came home watched movies and then bed. Sunday same kind of morning, lunch with a family member and then we took a drive to another family members house we haven't seen in a bit and spent hours there visiting.. So today I've been running aroungpd like a chicken with its head cut off to play catch up, add in my chaos of fighting children it makes for a long day, super long day.. In which then the man decides that he's going to go have a few beers with a friend, in which I don't mind, but on days like today I could use a 5 (friggin) minute break and as much as I want to bitch and moan about it I don't cuz there will be a day when my loving man had to be here all alone with these children (it's happened many times) and they drive him insane and for the first hour, maybe more, after I get home all he does is whine, whine, whine!! I take it all in and I calmly say to him something sarcastic and deep down I'm laughing hysterically because he got a minute taste of what I go through, what I hear, see, smell, etc., and it just so happens that he can't handle it like I can.... 

As much as there are those days where I want to run and hide and lock myself in a closet, I wouldn't change a single thing my kids have done during said day, whether good or bad or how much hair I've pulled out or how many grays may be there at the end of the day, because at the end of the day when I'm tucking them into bed and hear "mommy, I love you" it just erases away all those frustrations from throughout the day and melts my heart :) 

So much!

I've loved kids since way back when, always have been good with them and started babysitting at the age of 11.. In which those girls are now 22 and 25, kind of make me feel old when I sit and think of me babysitting them, but then I look at how they live there life now. THe youngest of the two has a serious drug problem and no respect for elders especially her family, the eldest has a child, but also had a drug problem went to inpatient rehab and from what I hear is on a better path (good for her). This is where it's hard to say, is it the parents fault since they lived the life of the bar for so many years while they were growing up not caring what happened or is it just their fault since they should know right from wrong since they are adults now? Whoever to fault, I don't think there's hope for the youngest since there's still no parental stability.
There's a girl sitting in jail right now not knowing her fate because she chose to hang out with the wrong people at the wrong time and a violent crime was committed. Amongst her person she was found with drugs, in which she has had an ongoing problem with this thing for a little over a year now and has even been to outpatient rehab and had everyone on her side backing her up and supporting her, trying to get her on the right path and showing her how much she is loved, not only by immediate family but family who isn't even blood, we've just been there with her since her first breaths were taken. She comes from a family who has been there for her, showered her with love by giving her anything she wanted.. However, there's been lack of attention given! We often thought that when she went out and did whatever drug it was that she was doing that it was, that she did it to hurt her parents or a cry for attention, but after so many instances the only thing that she has done is not only hurt her parents but she's hurt a bunch of others who have done nothing to love her and try and show her that there's something way better then the life of drugs.. And now she's sitting in jail.. And what is it that can be done for her? Nothing, absolutely nothing!!
There's a little boy in this area who needed a heart transplant and he got it and has the most wonderful parents in the world who packed up and moved to another state to get the care they needed for their kis.. Another who needed more then just one organ transplant and under went a few surgeries and her mother has been there by her side through it all and even though I don't know these two families personally I give them so much respect since they are young, early 20's I would say! There's a boy in the Carolina's that was playing at his daycare and in a split sending a huge tree limb fell and crushed his skull/brain, has undergone a couple surgeries or more and his mother (father too) has done nothing but give their all to this little boy and his care and he is doing well.. Tripp halstead if anyone reads this and decides they want to follow this little boy and his journey..

And this one is hard for me, there's a little boy who his family just found out a few short months ago that has stage 4 cancer on his brain and after surgery and chemo the tumor just got bigger and all the family asks for is prayer for him.. He's 4, still just a baby, innocent to this cruel world and I've never read anything that has hurt me emotionally like this story does. I literally cry with tears streaming down my face for this little boy, his mother, father and siblings, even those that are affected that are close to this family. I find myself praying even more than I have, I do pray, I do believe, my downfall is I don't go to church and worship like most people do. I say my prayers at night thanking god for my blessings and what has been provided for me during my life on this earth, some prayers have been answered and some not (but other good things have happened rather than what I was praying for), at one time I stopped praying, not because it just slipped my mind, but my grandfather was sick, and was moved to hospice and we knew it wouldn't be long, I'd pray to keep him from pain, to take him when the time was right, and to let him know that he served a good life with many accomplishments, and the night before he passed on, I prayed before I went to sleep, woke up a few times in the middle of the night with my grandfather on my mind, and before I fell asleep that last time I prayed, not asking, but begging god to take my grandfather and take him NOW and take him out of the misery he was going through. When I got the call a couple hours later, I just cried, I was happy he was no longer suffering and not in any kind of pain, but I was also scared, scared i wished him away and it scared the shit right out of me (excuse my language), and I stopped praying for awhile in fear that if I prayed for the wrong thing or what may be the right, may just not be what someone else wanted. And this is where this little boy ways heavy on my heart and he's constantly on my mind, my little guy is  4 and I pray nightly for all my kids and thanking god he blessed me with such beautiful kids, praying that they are healthy, and to keep them from harms way, and so far my prayers have done just fine for me. I also pray, more than once a day for this family in hopes for a miracle, a healing, a blessing from above, and most of strength for this loving mother.
I've asked why, why does this have to happen to someone so innocent, someone who could actually do great things in this world and why couldn't this happen to someone who has acted out murder, taken someone's life for vengeance? But then an eye for an eye is not the way things happen! I only hope for a miracle for this little boy and if this miracle does happen by the power of prayer, I only hope that there will be more believers and followers by hearing this boys story, the world needs a brighter future, more love, and guidance for our future generations.
Sorry for the rambling

Random

Random?! My first blog, I've always thought of starting my own blog, who hasn't?? Sure I have a myspace page, which is never used since I found Facebook.. Tried google+, just wasn't like Facebook so there a profile sits with few friends that also tried it, and of course there's twitter, in which I didn't know what the hell I was doing and never used it.
Oh, good old Facebook, I have many friends there, exciting I know! Family, close friends, people you hardly know, people who you can pass by on the street or in a store and they don't even recognize you,  the ones who just like to keep the he said she said bs going, the braggers, and so on.. There's also the ones who gasp when you make a comment that they don't approve of or say a vulgar offensive word that they can't believe they just read.. I could go on for ever with the Facebook thing, but it's really the reason I decided tonight that "I am starting a blog". I'm going out on a limb here and really not expecting a million people to read my blog or even respond to it, would be nice to find people who would want to discuss things or even those who actually feel the same on issues or just daily crap that happens.
I'm a stay at home mom and I love every minute of it :) I love that my loving fiancé works his butt off  to give me the opportunity to be at home with my kids, in which only one of my children is his. People are quick to judge when they hear that, even quicker when they hear : 3 kids all different dads! Excuse the language, shit happens, it's not like they are all back to back BOOM 3 different daddy's.. Didn't happen like that.. And there's a huge gap in age between my first born and second and he (my fiancé) has been there for me since I was pregnant with my second child and I can say he's been one hell of a dad to all 3 kids and never treats any of them differently. This is where my quick to judge comes into play. People are quick to judge women when they hear that all her children have different dads. A woman gets called names, people whisper behind her back and treat her different because of that, but let a man have so many children by so many woman and there's none of the above and it don't even matter of the man don't take care of their children, he is left unjudged while a woman is criticized for every move she makes moving forwards in a new relationship or whatnot. Why does this happen? I've learned over the years not to place judgement on others unless I know the whole story, to treat others the way it want to be treated, and be kind to others because you don't know exactly what they go through unless they tell you. Everyone has baggage and I guess I'm a little confused as to why it's so great to make others feel that they've done so wrong.. And then tell everyone what this person has done to only make it hard for a person to either make new friends or fit in with others, why, why does this happen?